Love & Life

I know that we all wish that we would have done things differently. I wish I had listen to my wife when she noticed changes in me. I never made the time to seek out another doctor for a 2nd opinion, Instead I kept tell Allie my wife that everything was fine. Boy was I wrong.
My Allie is the type of person that if it doesn't go away you may want to see someone else.
She is so smart and can remember things from 20 years ago it's like her mind never shuts down. I know she misses working as I do. Allie gave a her career to stay home and care for me, watching her sit and read everything there is on my cancer and all the treatments that are out there. I love the way she keeps my Doctors on their toes. Even the Doctors like it, saves them time looking through my file.
When we first found out that there was indeed a problem instead of staying home and helping her I went fishing for the week-end.
Allie & I went on the 28th of Aug,2009 to see a new doctor, Allie explained what I was going through and the treatments I had had. This doctor order a stress test and a CT Scan. We went in on the 3rd of Sept,2009 for the test. At 3:30p.m. that afternoon the doctor's office called and said that he needed to see us the following day. I blew it off and Allie was up all night worried. On the 4th of Sept,2009 the 1st. doctor informed me that they had found a tumor in the center of my chest. The size of a baseball. Doctor 1 set up an appointment with doctor 2 on the 7th of Sept,2009. The 2nd. doctor informed me that he wanted to do a biospy and my wife asked how soon it could be done. Doctor 2 said on the 9th of Sept at 7:a.m. I told him as long as it did not interfer with my fishing trip on the 11th of Sept.  Doctor 2 did the biopsy and went to my wife and informed her that I had Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer stage 3B and it was unoperable for it had spread into my limp knobs.
When I came around doctor #2 explained everything to me and sent me home and instead of staying home and being with my wife I went on the fishing trip leaving her to deal with everything. Allie was left to set up doctors appointments and test and deal with her on feelings while I went off and fished with my buddies. That is something I feel she will never forgive me for. And Allie is still the one dealing with everything from doctors, test, VA, Longterm Disability issues, Running the house, paying bills, and all the kids and grand kids. I have not be able to do much of anything. And when I wasn't sick I just never felt like getting around to fixing things. Maybe because I knew if I left it long enough Allie would just do it and get it over with.

Now I watch her tring to figure out how to find the funds to fix the back of the house with a door, porch, and ramp for me.

The other day as we were leaving the hospital and heading home she was telling me she would have to pay this bill late in order to cover the other bill. Allie has always been the type to make sure that bills, and the running of the house went just right while holding down a full time job. Every time I wanted something she say ( if that is what you want go ahead) And now I am kicking myself for everytime she asked for something I said No. And then I would go and get more fishing tackle. How I wish I had gotten her the porch swing.. June 9, 2010 5:54p.m. It has been a few day's since I felt up to writing. My doctors say it will do me good to keep my thoughts wrote down. My doctors have started having a nurse come in 4x's a week and my meds are being delivered instead of my wife running around picking them up.

Allie thought it would be a good idea to write some letters to our grand daughters but I just don't know what to say to them.