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Member since: June 12th, 2008 | Login count: 63 | Profile views: 111 | Last login: August 17th, 2008 | 03:52
Biography:
To unravel the chain of events that seems to have led to this point in time, I provide the following...
I'm originally from N.Y.C., and the product of a dysfunctional family. I don't care for the term "dysfunctional," but it is, what best describes a family comprised of an alcoholic, substance abusing paternal figure, and the maternal figure that would abandon me to him at age 7; It was 1968. I would not see her again until 1996; when at which time, I decided to find her for closure.
Seven years would be spent with him. I was a son only for show & tell; but behind the scenes, I was the gopher who would purchase the narcotics for his distribution; I was 7, when first ordered to do this. I was the servant who hand scrubbed his stained underwear, and shopped for the groceries I had to ask permission to eat.
At age 14, and after running away 15 times, only to be returned to him by a disbelieving and failing system - I was placed in St.Vincents Home for Boys, by a social worker, who had been summoned by the police who found me asleep in New York's, Central Park; remaining a ward of the state until age 18.
Saint Vincents was a cold and lonely place, with dormitory style living, and regimented routines; on the plus side, I wouldn't be beaten daily; have 3 square meals a day, and receive my first new pair of Pro-keds sneakers. The only pair I'd ever owned prior to this, I found in the garbage, but were in better shape than what I was wearing. After about 2 years, I was sent to a group home in the upscale suburbs of Bayside, Queens; where I would spend the next two years.
Bayside group home was nice; unfortunately, I was too angry to see the forest through the trees, to take advantage of the opportunities provided me. At 18, I would leave; It was 1979.
From 1979 through about June of 1990, I would work various jobs, from Bagel Baker to freelance artist; bouncing from state to state; priding myself as a wanderer with no place to really call home. It wasn't until about 1990 that I sought some stability, and rented a room in a house for the next 4 years. It would be my home of complacency until 1994; when at which time, the house would be sold, and I would begin seeking an apartment. For the first time in my adult life, reality would set in, and I realized all the time I had wasted, and how I couldn't afford the cost of a meager apartment. I had some choices to make.
Through a twist of fate and fondness, I would have a short time and chance to gather some funds, performing some duties for my soon to be former landlord; who asked that I do some painting to prepare the house for sale. In exchange, I could stay another month at no charge. I would use this time to sell my belongings out of his garage when I wasn't painting; and while painting, I found a Houston map.
Having no direction, and no reason or resources to stay, the choice would now be...Stay where I couldn't afford to be, or go where my limited skill-set might afford me a chance to live.
So, after selling all that I owned (which wasn't much), I would move to Texas; that was 14 years ago. Six years later, I would borrow $500.00 to begin a so called, business; and today, at an age where I presumed 8 years ago, that I'd achieve success, I can't even afford gas.
My Purpose
My purpose is twofold...
My reason for being here at this site, is that I need help, and for the type of help I need, there's no place else for me to turn.
My overall purpose is to be the opposite of those who created me, and I cringe at moments of self realization, that the apple didn't fall as far from the tree, as I would like to think it did.
It's at those moments that I really don't like myself; a dislike exacerbated by the feeling of worthlessness brought on by the seemingly insurmountable obstacles that hinder my progress; in fact, it seems that the only time I feel validated, is when I've had an income producing day.
This troubles me; for it indicates that I can't be happy when I'm not earning; a conflict of interest for a person who doesn't want to be defined by what he has or doesn't have. It tells me that of all that I've learned in life, that I never leaned HOW to truly be happy, just for the sake of it. I know this possible; for I see others who don't have all the luxuries that so many needlessly strive for, yet appear to be content; and when I ask how they accomplish this, the answers only seem illogical if not coy.
I don't yet know where happiness is. I only know that I don't desire to live in sole pursuit of things I can't take with me when I die, and that make so many happy; and certainly don't care to be defined by the presence or lack of them.
I desire to be in the financial position to comfortably assist others, as much as I've needed the assistance of others; for I feel certain that part of my reason for being, is to do just that.
Bookmarks
DownsizeDC - A site where an Americans voice can actually make a difference Care2 Make A Difference - Green Living, Health, Human Rights & more Media Convert - A Free & Easy On-Line source for file conversions Why I'm Here - Enables people tp know my story
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Member since: June 12th, 2008 | Login count: 63 | Profile views: 111 | Last login: August 17th, 2008 | 03:52